SayALittleSomething.

There is really nothing to be envious about other people’s relationship.

Everyone functions differently. to some, they are lucky to have found a partner with the same love language. Loving become so much less of a problem.

unfortunately or fortunately, i dont have someone of the same love language. and i may have quite a hard time trying to cope with that.

In a relationship with 2 different love languages, who gives in?

Do i have to try to change my love language? if i dont, then will i be happy in the relationship? im looking at spending a lifetime with someone of a different love language.

im lost. one day i think im good. one day i dont think i am. its kinda driving me crazy.

cus i know you are tired of listening to my rants and grievances. i have to shut up. i just have to. but who really will listen to me.

listen to me without arguing. listen to me and comfort. listen to me and tell me im still the best just do that will you.

i did a lot i believe. i did a lot for you. i dont know if you know how much i have been through. maybe not a lot. but enough emotional and physical stress for me to justify these rants maybe.

EVERYTIME im on the bicycle, my hands turns icy cold, from the fear of falling, from the nervousness or everything my stupid brain imagined i will become if i fall.

but i put myself through all these, i want you to see that i tried, i want you to love me because i did it, i want you to maybe give me a lot a lot of affirmation and tell me i can do it. but all you could offer was, like i said, a rough pat on my back, you did good. i could even feel tinge of sarcasm in that. like really. like you saying, yea a long way to go liling. no where near.

then you signed us up for a event. that put the stress double on for me. i only agreed because you wanted me to go. and okay. i agreed because i wanted to do this for you, for us. but that became a big thing.

and then we keep having this talks and discussions on the whole cycling thing. yes, its always going round and round thats because it keeps going round and round in me too. you have no idea. the nights i spent in bed, unable to think about anything else but these. i never can come to a conclusion. i so badly want to be what you want me to be. at least my brain and heart wants to do it.but fuck the body, i cant. i turn all cold feet when im at it.

i feel damn 委屈sometimes and sometimes i just want you to like hold me in your arms and tell me im doing better than expected or like tell me i did it but you never did. i feel like we are not in this together. as much as it appears to be.

i wished all these had never happened. now im in such a dilemma i cant get out of it. i wanted to heck all and just move on with life. i dont know why i cant. im too fucking stubborn.

when i asked you if i should really just give it up. you will be like yes then no, then yes again and then no. give me your stand, stop sitting on the fence. if you hate me doing it, tell me. if you want me to do this with you and confident that we can eventually make it good, tell me that, i really need that. anything at all.

im here, fucking bothered EVERY SINGLE day by to do or not to do. and you just dont seem to take it as i see it. it kinda hurts. and feels kinda alone in this.

Never mind im feeling lousy from a bad flu.

Never mind im feeling tired after 10 hours of night shift on top of the flu.

Never mind.

Unnoticed

So much has changed since maybe 2 years ago. so much of me has changed at least.

i looked back into images i took a few years back, i was proud of who i was. i see the difference in me back then and now. My smiles were genuine, i live every day to the way i like it, i enjoyed life, basically i lived, for myself. Right now, i cant same the same. i dont know what is it has changed. Commitments to work? commitments to the relationship even, i lost so much of who i used to be.

I found myself constantly blaming work for the loss of enthusiasm in a lot of things. i blamed work for tiring me out. i become so much less adventurous. I used to try out classes, of which im not proud to speak of, but even so, i did. i became the slave of work i swore i never want to be. i lost myself.

Apart from work, im too engrossed in trying to make myself perfect for the relationship. it scares me a little how much i fit my boyfriend into my life, whether or not it fits. I want to buy this outfit, i think of what my boyfriend will think, i want to maybe watch this movie, i think of watching it with my boyfriend, i want to cook for the fun of it, i think of what my boyfriend will like to eat. im sad, i turn to my boyfriend, im happy i turn to my boyfriend, im sick, i turn to my boyfriend. when so much is about the boyfriend, its like his is your world, and when your world have the slightest disagreement with you, you panic, you are lost. and self esteem is seriously crushed when he disagrees with you, because basically im living for him, or so i thought. i find myself very much affected by the little comments he made. if he doesnt like a certain outfit, i stopped wearing them, if he doesnt approved of certain things i stopped doing thing it as much as i can. i used to be like who cares as long as i like it? you think this outfit looks old? well i think its vintage. i had an attitude, i had a mind, now most part of that is gone. why.

im starting to think im living for him. its sad that i only started to realise when im in a little too deep. but i will drop them one by one. i will. i lost myself. i will find myself back.

i dont want to be dictated by work and, well the relationship. i want to live for myself.

MALACCA. 2.

and. so we decided to have Nonya food for dinner. Stalked 2 men down the street into this Nonya restaurant. Apparently the only restaurant opened that is more then half filled with people. So we assumed it has to have slightly better food to draw the crowd.

Indeed, it wasnt so bad. Not exactly pricey. Comparable to Sgp. food was on the whole good. and then, we went out to Jonkers Walk. Everybody say ‘Yonkers’. right. so because it was the weekend, and only on weekends Jonkers street is blocked off for the weekly night market. the PASAR MALAM. there was slight drizzling but that definitely did not stop the crowd. there were many things to see and to eat. The whole street came to live with lots of buzzling activities, people singing, dancing to Gangnam style etc.

so we got more food. went back for 2nd round of dessert. street makans. and dabao-ed some food. that ended the night. it was a good night. with the weather slightly cooler. We were so tired from all the walking, fell asleep almost immediately that night.

Next morning!

at breakfast place.

woke up earlier in an attempt to beat the crowd for breakfast buffet. yeap. the hotel has pretty decent hotel buffet. the dining area was in my opinion nicely decorated. the food was really not bad. spread was good. and most importantly, the display of food was good and clean! not much messy spills which i always see in like buffets particularly in other countries. :x anal about display of food.

Egg ice cream. mine was passion fruit. tasted so so. a bit too milky for me. novelty though.

Alex’s mint egg ice cream. He likes a lot of things i dont.

then went back to sleep more before checking out to do last minute shopping. took some pictures at this park that we didnt stop over the day before. stop by the battery. walked back to Jonkers street for local products and the 3rd round of Laksa and dessert.

and we were on our way home. (: Time past really fast. i had fun. Hope bf did. he said he did at least.

MALACCA.

so. we made a short trip to malacca! just 2 days and a night. short but sweet. little getaway from the routine. On board luxury tour coach. This trip was by groupon. hotel and 2 way coach for 98 bucks. all was good. initially was quite apprehensive about groupons. But hatten hotel was good. Big. Clean. Nice. Coach had a guide who was very friendly and informative. The last time i have been to that place was eons ago and all i could remember of that place is just temples and empty fields. but now its quite different. its quite a busy state. when we got there, because i do not remember the place from eons ago and Alex hasnt been there for quite a while as well, we got lost. making a HUGE detour before we reached Jonker street. huge detour. under the blazing sun. i even got tanlines. but anyway.

when we finally got there. we Q-ed for the famous chicken rice balls. for about 30mins.

where i saw michelle’s doppelganger. haha.

the lengendary chicken rice balls. its nice.

only this happy if speaking of good food.

random shops you get a lot along jonker walk. things are expensive there. its a tourist place.

and then we walked and we walked and we walked to this cram shop house for more food.

where you have this assam laksa.

and Chendol. we went back there for like 3 times in 2 days.

mysterious walkway out of nowhere in between shop houses leading to nowhere.

dont know if this is the norm, police patrol on horses, cus locals were also looking on in awe. the horses were beautiful. nicely groomed. and their hooves against the ground made a sound. like a cool. then we walked back to the hotel. this time not losing our way. Hatten hotel was great. big. and nice view. had a comfortable stay. very nice. more up next. need to sleep. goodnight world.

Done with first night. Uneventful but busy night. No time for food. Prawn mee at macpherson kept popping into my mind. It’s high time to pay a visit!

Looking forward to the 2nd night because after that, I will be hiatus from work for 4 days! Short but I make do with what I can get.

Goodnight .

Sweet dreams. Not.

3rd time in probably the past month I had nightmares so vivid, I woke up in cold sweat shivering, even afraid to move an inch, while trying to figure out if I was dreaming or if it actually happened.

Never felt so afraid. The nightmares were so real that I could remember every detail of it. It’s like how the usual dreams sometimes doesn’t make sense but these dreams are so true to reality, almost like it was perfectly designed, much like inception. Haha.

Okay the point was thinking back still gives me the shudders. Waking up feeling like someone or some thing was watching me I didn’t even dare to open my eyes. I cannot even start to describe the fear. I know it’s stupid that at this ripe old age and I am still so frightened by nightmares. But trust me it was so real I could feel myself crying so hard even in the dream.

I don’t want to get those ever again. Ever. Maybe I should really try a dreamcatcher.

There is always a but.

But we are all happy.

I will never see it in the same light.

Ever again.