cus i know you are tired of listening to my rants and grievances. i have to shut up. i just have to. but who really will listen to me.
listen to me without arguing. listen to me and comfort. listen to me and tell me im still the best just do that will you.
i did a lot i believe. i did a lot for you. i dont know if you know how much i have been through. maybe not a lot. but enough emotional and physical stress for me to justify these rants maybe.
EVERYTIME im on the bicycle, my hands turns icy cold, from the fear of falling, from the nervousness or everything my stupid brain imagined i will become if i fall.
but i put myself through all these, i want you to see that i tried, i want you to love me because i did it, i want you to maybe give me a lot a lot of affirmation and tell me i can do it. but all you could offer was, like i said, a rough pat on my back, you did good. i could even feel tinge of sarcasm in that. like really. like you saying, yea a long way to go liling. no where near.
then you signed us up for a event. that put the stress double on for me. i only agreed because you wanted me to go. and okay. i agreed because i wanted to do this for you, for us. but that became a big thing.
and then we keep having this talks and discussions on the whole cycling thing. yes, its always going round and round thats because it keeps going round and round in me too. you have no idea. the nights i spent in bed, unable to think about anything else but these. i never can come to a conclusion. i so badly want to be what you want me to be. at least my brain and heart wants to do it.but fuck the body, i cant. i turn all cold feet when im at it.
i feel damn 委屈sometimes and sometimes i just want you to like hold me in your arms and tell me im doing better than expected or like tell me i did it but you never did. i feel like we are not in this together. as much as it appears to be.
i wished all these had never happened. now im in such a dilemma i cant get out of it. i wanted to heck all and just move on with life. i dont know why i cant. im too fucking stubborn.
when i asked you if i should really just give it up. you will be like yes then no, then yes again and then no. give me your stand, stop sitting on the fence. if you hate me doing it, tell me. if you want me to do this with you and confident that we can eventually make it good, tell me that, i really need that. anything at all.
im here, fucking bothered EVERY SINGLE day by to do or not to do. and you just dont seem to take it as i see it. it kinda hurts. and feels kinda alone in this.